It all started when you told me you didn’t want to be friends anymore. When you told me it wasn’t enough for you and that you wanted more. It was weird at first because it somehow felt like you betrayed our 8 year-old friendship by tainting it with trivial romance. Then, I began to feel something in my stomach; butterflies they call it. To me they felt more like scorpions but in the best way possible.
That’s when everything changed. Dating your best friend, like you see in movies, is rare but extraordinary. For the past 8 years, we’ve seen each other date other people, some more serious than others, but we just knew that whatever we found together was something special. It’s strange how you knew this person for so long, yet you start to see them in a totally different way like you’ve never known them at all.
We started this dangerous risk of ruining our friendship forever in the hopes of gaining something more, only couple months before our college graduation. Our paths were different and being the ambitious couple that we were, neither of us wanted the other to sacrifice their career. We knew what we had was stronger than miles and time zones, so we decided to carry on long-distance. After we do our own exploration of the world and figure ourselves out, we would reunite once again with bigger dreams and higher hopes.
The first two years apart were bearable. It was nothing close to easy but it was ours to enjoy and remember. I've been unemployed for over 5 months in the big city, living on my sister’s couch and hit rock bottom; you were there for me. Your whole apartment burnt down because your dumb-ass neighbor thought it would be a good idea to put off their cigarettes on their wooden porch; I was there for you. There was a phase when I was becoming depressed and uninterested in our relationship; you stuck by me. You didn't get into the grad school you wanted so you decided to stay with your parents, even further than we were already, and try again the year after; I still stuck by you.
We had numerous phone calls, countless texts, scores of gifts and cards and pictures sent to each other, even on the days we didn’t feel like it. We said that we loved each other like no other, even when sometimes it felt like a lie. We had our ups and downs but it sure looked like we knew what we were doing.
But even after all the emotions and time and effort we put into each other, I have to finally admit after 3 years, that I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted of spending birthdays and anniversaries by myself. I’m worn out of having to explain to people why we are still apart when our reason for it becomes blurry every minute. I’m tired of trying to keep our relationship alive when all we have is just memories of what we used to have in the past and dreams of what we could have in the future. There is no present for us, so what’s the point? Was there ever a point?
At first, I was sad. Sad that something I once felt so passionately about could just fade away like the foggy morning. I was sad that the love and affection I once felt for you could just wash away like the summer current. Then, I was mad. Mad at you for letting this happen and for letting me let this happen. Mad at you for ruining our friendship that three years ago by saying you wanted more, because now I have neither friendship nor romance because of you. But now I’m just thankful. Thankful that you still took a chance on us and you allowed me to too. Thankful that you still gave me precious memories for the past three years that I’ll never forget. But most importantly, I’m thankful that you taught me how to love for the first time... Along the way, I just learned to know when to call it quits.
I loved you dearly, and probably still do in a way, so I have no regrets about us. I ended up losing both friendship and love but I won’t have it any other way. I hope you forget me… but not really forget me… because even at the end of our long journey, I’m just a selfish little girl who did love you but just loved me more.